When you work in the church world AND the production world you often times don’t just “attend” events or conferences or meetings or anything of the like. In my case I’m usually working, coordinating, running, managing, planning and every now and then speaking at the different events that I’m involved with. It’s hard for me to sit back and receive when I’m so used to being involved. It takes a HUGE amount of commitment on my part to BE a part and to take in what the Lord wants to speak to me. I am so very thankful that the last six years I’ve “unbecome” the idea that if you WORK for a ministry you DO ministry but never get to be ministered too. “Unbecoming” that thought process allowed me to receive what I needed when I needed it. Unbecoming Me 2018 was a weekend that I know caused a shift in me and changed my perspective of myself.
This past weekend was a time that my daughters got to see other women, not competing with each other but lifting each other up and celebrating each other for all their differences, all their uniqueness, all the things that make each of us beautiful and strong. We met new people, made new friends and reconnected with old friends.
Our girls got to see me vulnerable, crying out to be filled, leaving shame at the alter, and stepping into a new season in my life.
Saturday morning, I sat in my seat ready to receive, and as a five-foot-two powerhouse took the stage I realized that I knew her. When she was in college and I was a senior in high school, she had sung in the youth ministry at our church. Not only that, but we had done several ministry trips together during that time. As I sat and listened to her share her story in her sweet southern accent I so appreciated the fact that she was who she was and didn’t try to be anyone else.
Authenticity will set people free because authenticity says “here’s what I went through, here’s my story, this is who I am and this is how God helped me.” Her whole message was about rest and being filled, and when she asked for those of us who felt empty to come forward I didn’t even hesitate. There was no arguing with myself, there was no “I’ll receive it in my seat.” I didn’t think twice as I got out of my seat and went down front. Standing there asking to be filled, the Lord said to me “If you’re going to be filled then you need to empty yourself.” Then I heard DeLana say to me, “Let it out.” And I knew what I needed to let out.
Shame. Shame, that for the past 18 months has plagued my life.
Shame that seems to go away then something or nothing at all triggers it and I feel like I’m in quick sand and suffocating, questioning if anything will ever be the same.
Shame that would leave me wondering if God can, or even would, want to use me in any capacity or if I was regulated to living a life of obscurity with no impact.
Shame that would cause me to think Toby would be better off without me because of the hurt I caused him.
Shame. Not only is it draining, it’s also filling.
Shame drains you emotionally, mentally, spiritually and even physically and it fills you with thoughts and ideas about yourself that are not true.
Shame fills you with regrets and sadness and an overwhelming sense of failure. Being filled with all that shame and its counterparts empties you.
Let it out. Empty myself of shame so that I could be filled with what the Lord wanted to pour into me.
Let it out. Empty myself of the labels that I placed on myself because of the deeds I had done.
Let it out. Empty myself of self-hatred and self-loathing.
Let it out. Empty myself of ideas and thoughts that say I’m disqualified from making an impact and influencing others for the Kingdom because of choices I made in the past.
Let it out. Empty myself of the un-forgiveness I had been carrying towards myself for the past year and half.
Let it out. Empty myself of the idea that my past dictates my future.
Let it out. Pour it out. Empty myself so that HE can fill me. So that I can continue to walk out my story every single day. I AM Unbecoming ME, so that I can Become more like HIM. For you see, it’s not that the caterpillar is unworthy, it’s that the Creator loves it too much to allow it to stay the same.