The air is sharp and it stings my eyes causing them to tear more than what they already have been doing on their own. Each inhale fills my lungs with cold and each exhale shows the breath as it leaves my body. The morning is dark and still and quiet, so very quiet, that it seems like my footfalls on the trail echo for miles and awaken the sleeping wildlife. I see a coyote dart back into the trees and I slow down for a moment wondering if he’s the same one I’ve seen for a few weeks. He’s always alone, and I don’t know if they are animals that live in packs but for a moment I feel sorry him because, if he is a pack animal, he’s alone and if he’s not, he’s alone. Alone can be sad and hard and I’m thankful that I’m not alone in life.
My pace increases again and I hit my stride and my legs and body adjust to the effort of the run. The first mile is finished and I feel like the hard part is over and I can now run with a rhythm that is comfortable. However, I am anything but comfortable.
My words fail me. The normal, spiritual communion I have with the Lord during these early mornings is lacking. I have nothing. I don’t know how to pray for the situation our family is facing. I don’t know what to say, ask, give thanks for. My words do not come and I don’t know what to do.
“You see. You see me. You see us. You see.” Over and over that’s what I hear in the cadence of my steps and it becomes my mantra. There are no other words that tumble from my lips or skip through my mind. All the other words, my words have failed.
My words. Maybe that’s the problem. My words are not infallible. They can be harsh, angry and wrong. They can be full of sarcasm, jealousy and condemnation. They can be boastful and proud and conceited. Sometimes my words fail and they fail in such a huge way. Other times I do not have any words at all.
Pumping my arms and breathing deeply I think to myself I’m not alone, and I don’t need to rely on my words, I only need His words and His words say “Peace Be Still.” His words say “God holds the high center, He sees and He sets the world’s mess right” (Psalms 9:7 MSG) His words say “Silence is praise to you God, and also obedience. You hear the prayer in it all.” (Psalms 65:1 MSG)
My silence, because my words are failing, it’s a prayer and HE hears it. He hears my quiet. He hears the lack of words. He hears my confusion on what to say.
As I feel the hard earth rise beneath my pounding feet, and tears stream down my face, I inhale deeply, taking in the sunrise and I’m comforted knowing that I do not need my words because His are enough.