These past three years can be described as both equally hard and odd. I’ve had the ability to be a “sort of stay at home mom”, while freelancing in the production industry. However, there have been times that I’ve waged war against myself because I felt un-fulfilled which in turn left me feeling guilty, like I was cheapening my role as both mother and wife. Contention within my soul built as I struggled with fear of becoming “irrelevant” in the occupation I had previously held in Anti-Trafficking. I thought the longer I stayed out of that type of work, the less of an impact I would have.
Of course, I was wrong. God’s doesn’t give us an anointing and then say, “Never mind, since you don’t have a certain title you are no longer qualified.” I forgot that truth, and in my pursuit to not lose the relevance I started knocking on doors that I had not knocked on in a while. Each knock seemed like it was met with delay after delay that lead to nothing. I was so frustrated and upset, and in full transparency I was really fighting depression at an even deeper level than I have in the past.
One day, in the midst of frustration and depression I heard the Lord say “Gena, you know the story about the wise and foolish men; one built his house on the rock and the other built his house on the sand. You have built much of your life on the rock, but your work was built on sand, and when things shifted and changed your “career” crumbled. You have tried to rebuild it, but every time you have picked up the sand it has slid through your fingers and blown away in the wind. It’s time to let the sand go and build your WHOLE life on the rock.” After that word, I tearfully shared with my husband that I was releasing the sands of my career, which felt like I was letting go of my cause, mission, and passion. But that was not the case.
The day I let those granules slip through my fingers, I stopped waring with myself and I found peace. I stopped pursuing and looking for a PLACE to minister. I committed my WHOLE life to be built on the firm foundation of the ROCK. Little did I know that the crushing of my sandcastle was necessary because what God was about to do could not be supported on shifting sand.
Last month, through divine connection, I walked into The Women’s Center of Tarrant County. I didn’t know then, that the doors I had been knocking on for almost three years weren’t opening because the divine delays were leading me to THIS door. The door that I walked through this past week and took on the title of Sexual Abuse and Assault Prevention Educator.
When God opens doors He demolishes the walls around them as well. I’m not just doing public speaking, I’ll be speaking in PUBLIC SCHOOLS all over Tarrant County, strategically placed by the Father, to possibly be the first person to hear a disclosure from an abused child or an outcry from a sexual assault victim.
Three years of Divine delays have been for this moment, for this door. I am thankful that I serve a God who is merciful, full of grace, who in-spite of my weakness and my complaining didn’t give me what I thought I wanted or needed. He gave me what I was destined to do.